Movies Review

Everything has to be in 3D now. Is that because our lives have become 2D?

Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t want to see in 3D, cinema carpet. RSLs, casinos and cinemas must all purchase their carpet from some exclusive carpet dealership that never left the 80s. It’s like unnecessary magic eye on the ground. Find the juggling elephant. I don’t see it.

The carpet has retained that familiar popcorn stench, accumulated over the years. Who decided that popcorn was food? I often used to wonder who discovered that you could eat eggs, but eggs are things that exist naturally. How lame would it be if I wrote, ‘eggsist naturally’. Ok, the damage is done now.

Anyway, someone invented popcorn. They did not discover it in the wilderness. They invented it, and deemed it food. And people went along with it. No one stood up and protested against popcorn. I assume the inventor was aiming to create something with ridiculous texture and zero flavour. Well done. Really, what must our livers think?

Here comes that polystyrene gravel again.

We need to eat popcorn by the shipping container, ramming overflowing handfuls into our faces. Is there no other way to eat it? Chopsticks? Once every crevasse between your teeth has been filled with yellow flecks, dehydration kicks in. Yes, it is a sense of eternal pastiness. What better way to counteract that than with an enormous cylinder of pretend coke. Well, any liquid would be fine, really. Why not drink a litre of unleaded.

If popcorn does not take your fancy you can always try any of the other overpriced trinkets of “food” wrapped in the ridiculously loud plastic packaging. The persistent crinkling has become part of the movie sound track. In fact, I think I would rather eat the plastic packaging than a choc-top. Surely, they’re made of the same stuff.

Next time I go to the movies I plan to eat from an esky filled with crabs and lobsters. Then I am going to crack walnuts and chomp loudly on celery sticks.

If you are on time for a movie, you probably shouldn’t have been. You have just paid $14 to watch 20 minutes of giant ads. Even the ads have their own ads. Before the movie even begins I think, ‘Thank goodness. I had no idea there were 17 Indian restaurants in this precinct.’

And then there are the previews, which are just ads for movies. When the movie actually starts I am not sure if it is another ad until about halfway through the film.

The problem with seeing a movie is actually the fact that you have to re-enter the real world afterwards. As spectacular viewing as credits make, people must leave the cinema at the end. It’s like watching bats emerge from a cave into the light. And we return to our 2D lives.