2016 Horror Scopes

With Jupiter in your house of skipping youtube ads for a living, you realise you’ve only used that Nurti-Bullet once but it was a good investment for dust gathering and fruit flies. You may be able to get the juices flowing again by posting a Tinder profile picture of your full moon direct.  

Mercury in retrograde leaves you wondering why the miming boom has ended. No one mentioned it. When it comes to work, your attention to deer tails is staggering. If you decide to take up adult colouring-in it is best to wait until they are asleep. Stay between the wrinkles. 

Busy people still need to nurture themselves. Use your time efficiently by doing yoga in a bubblebath whilst meditating as you receive remedial massage. Or you could just get drunk and play Twister. Single? Knit yourself a body bag whilst watching ‘Gogglebox’ reruns. 

Opportunities are gnocchi but a sauce-pot keeps you living in the pasta. If there is too much on your plate right now, try to avoid restaurants called, ‘Obese Wan Kanobese’. ‘Starve Wars’ may be a lighter sabing option for you right now. Haloumi, is it meat you’re looking for?

With Saturn moving through your house of Donald Trump mirkins, it may be time to open a joint bank account for your elbow. Start a program which involves training guide dogs for people who text whilst walking. Conversely, invest in developing an app with airbags.

Lately your workplace is a rollercoaster, and you feel like vomiting from all the jerks. Great opportunities exist for social not working. If you have a falling out with the girls on a night out, it may be time to purchase a more supportive bra. I’d recommend a firm one with a counselling diploma.

As the sun approaches your ozone of ‘climate change is pretty obvious’, it dawns on you that dog excretion bags cause more litter than plain old regular dog excretion. Focus on the bigger picture, there are plenty more fridges in the sea. But they are not cooling the sea levels. Refund!

If you are seeking renewal, head to IKEA simply to update your apps, refresh your newsfeed and leave immediately! Rather than take up the challenge of assembling flimsy furniture, use your time more wisely by throwing a rubix cube at a brick wall for 2 hours. You’ll have more chance of solving the puzzle without getting screwed.

You can’t please everyone, so why not start up a leaf blower in a study area or a place of worship. Unbeleafable! Saturn is in your house of aggressive text messages ending in smiley face lol. Why not take a selfie of someone else, then reverse the camera as they say ‘Cheese!’ Tourists will love you.

This month love is in the Airbnb until you develop severe allergies to the cat hair covered furniture. Count your blessings as you endure never-ending sneezing. One in the ham is worth two in the butcher, three to get ready, now go cat, go! A mange is as good as a holiday.

The sun shines through Uranus after an ego boosting anal bleaching in your black hole sector. Beauty is in the brown eye of the beer holder. Always consider the prostitutes and the con artists when considering a transaction. They are Paypal too. 

The planets have aligned to start a meth lab in your 10th little house on the prairie. With lusty Venus leading the way there is plenty of chemistry but it turns out that ‘teeth falling out’ dream was real. Excessive Netflix bingeing can lead to severely obese fingernails. Uber yourself from the lounge to your bedroom.

Good Grief

Today I acquired a new angel, Nancy Exton, my Granny. I have other angels, some I know by name, some I don't. Those ones are called Strangels (Stranger Angels of course)
Sitting beside her hospital bed yesterday I noticed that Granny was reading a giant font book entitled 'Entertaining Angels'. Well, here we are now, entertain us, Granny. She was only a quarter of the way through so I'm not sure how entertaining she'll be. I guess she held a decent audience in the material world.

I have farewelled palliative passengers before. But where do they go on these mystery flights? And more importantly do they have a light and a whistle for attracting attention? Let's assume so, just because they're fun and they may encounter a potential Rave or Disco situation on the way.

Grieving doesn't seem to get any easier but I think I am getting better at it. Whilst a part of me feels like an enormously selfish adult baby, I do understand that it is an necessary process I need to let happen. ie The non thyroid related throat lump must be released. And it's ok to be a giant adult baby for awhile. This process is part of my humaness. But I am also more especially aware of nature's glorious impermanence. Granny's passing through this life was indeed glorious, beautiful, graceful, just like a David Attenborough special. And I am super grateful I was around just as the credits rolled. Then I pictured her lovely face instead of the roaring MGM lion.

THE END

Yes, but where did she really go? Well, I think she went everywhere all at once. Which airline does that?

Love to my Granny, (NEVER negative) Nancy Exton xx

Nanna Naps (for real)

Have you ever woken up after a nanna nap as an actual nanna?

I have accepted and embraced bed hair as a part of my daily fashionable life. But recently I seem to be subject to the symptoms of ‘bed skin’.

Each morning I wake up from my bed battle with fresh linen scars. It’s hardly my beauty sleep when I have artificially aged overnight with bed wrinkles galore. I am not an animal!

When I say I have slept like a log it means that I have actually logged my sleep. Yes, my body has documented my slumber with bed sheet imprints and a fossilized face.

Where I used to spring out of bed like a super slinky, now I gradually flop onto the floor like an unused concertina. Every morning stretch produces a honky sounding chord. Enter McDuff from ‘Johnson and Friends’.

Upon closer inspection of my morning reflection I notice that my upper chest is actually a MAD magazine fold out. Woman of many cleavages. Sometimes the bed sheets cut so deep that it looks like my face is folding over and actually engulfing itself.

After an immensely deep sleep (the kind full of astro-travel adventures through every dimension in non human form) I briefly become unrecogniseable. It’s as though I have not fully re-entered my body from my soul vacation. On such occasions I actually change race and wake up Mongolian. As the day progresses my eyes slowly pries themselves open like dead pippy shells on a hot day.

Well, you snooze, you lose.