With Jupiter in your house of skipping youtube ads for a living, you realise you’ve only used that Nurti-Bullet once but it was a good investment for dust gathering and fruit flies. You may be able to get the juices flowing again by posting a Tinder profile picture of your full moon direct.
Mercury in retrograde leaves you wondering why the miming boom has ended. No one mentioned it. When it comes to work, your attention to deer tails is staggering. If you decide to take up adult colouring-in it is best to wait until they are asleep. Stay between the wrinkles.
Busy people still need to nurture themselves. Use your time efficiently by doing yoga in a bubblebath whilst meditating as you receive remedial massage. Or you could just get drunk and play Twister. Single? Knit yourself a body bag whilst watching ‘Gogglebox’ reruns.
Opportunities are gnocchi but a sauce-pot keeps you living in the pasta. If there is too much on your plate right now, try to avoid restaurants called, ‘Obese Wan Kanobese’. ‘Starve Wars’ may be a lighter sabing option for you right now. Haloumi, is it meat you’re looking for?
With Saturn moving through your house of Donald Trump mirkins, it may be time to open a joint bank account for your elbow. Start a program which involves training guide dogs for people who text whilst walking. Conversely, invest in developing an app with airbags.
Lately your workplace is a rollercoaster, and you feel like vomiting from all the jerks. Great opportunities exist for social not working. If you have a falling out with the girls on a night out, it may be time to purchase a more supportive bra. I’d recommend a firm one with a counselling diploma.
As the sun approaches your ozone of ‘climate change is pretty obvious’, it dawns on you that dog excretion bags cause more litter than plain old regular dog excretion. Focus on the bigger picture, there are plenty more fridges in the sea. But they are not cooling the sea levels. Refund!
If you are seeking renewal, head to IKEA simply to update your apps, refresh your newsfeed and leave immediately! Rather than take up the challenge of assembling flimsy furniture, use your time more wisely by throwing a rubix cube at a brick wall for 2 hours. You’ll have more chance of solving the puzzle without getting screwed.
You can’t please everyone, so why not start up a leaf blower in a study area or a place of worship. Unbeleafable! Saturn is in your house of aggressive text messages ending in smiley face lol. Why not take a selfie of someone else, then reverse the camera as they say ‘Cheese!’ Tourists will love you.
This month love is in the Airbnb until you develop severe allergies to the cat hair covered furniture. Count your blessings as you endure never-ending sneezing. One in the ham is worth two in the butcher, three to get ready, now go cat, go! A mange is as good as a holiday.
The sun shines through Uranus after an ego boosting anal bleaching in your black hole sector. Beauty is in the brown eye of the beer holder. Always consider the prostitutes and the con artists when considering a transaction. They are Paypal too.
The planets have aligned to start a meth lab in your 10th little house on the prairie. With lusty Venus leading the way there is plenty of chemistry but it turns out that ‘teeth falling out’ dream was real. Excessive Netflix bingeing can lead to severely obese fingernails. Uber yourself from the lounge to your bedroom.
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