Baggage

Ugliest handbags ever! Extreme handbag shopping, they're either lipstick containers with straps or huge body bags with zips and tassels everywhere. I just want to buy a normal size handbag, one without pretend animal fur or shiny love hearts hanging off the sides. I am going to have to revert to carrying my belongings in a red bandana on a stick. And I'll walk around with a long piece of grass sticking out of my teeth. Yeah, that's how I roll now. I wonder how that goes as carry-on luggage.

At least I would be able to find things in my red bandana on a stick. Handbags, no matter how big or small, are abysses. Whatever it is you need in that moment, you'll never find it. You will find everything but the item required. If you need your lip gloss it will burrow into the depths of the unknown, like an angler fish in extreme darkness. The lip gloss feeds off bottom dwelling, glow-in-the-dark shrimp.

And when your phone rings you will never find it in time, you will only find phone impersonators; an ipod, a day planner, the packet of cigarettes that you don't smoke, a deck of cards, and a 90s dial-up modem. How did that get there? Well, you never know. It's just one of the many mysteries of the handbag. You miss the phone call.

You find things when you don't need them; a worn $2 coin, a throat lozenge in the shape of hard cow spit, unused tampons, receipts for breathing, 3D glasses, bottle openers, discount vouchers for standing outside a gym annually, a peg, undies, a set of Encyclopedia Britannica, and dregs. Yes, dregs.

If you were to examine the remnants of an empty handbag you would find the contents to resemble that of a vacuum bag. There's dust, pencil shavings, compost, a petrie dish without the dish, moth eggs and a possible cure for cancer. It's all in the handbag, a highly evolved ecosystem. Do I need a new handbag then, a new habitat to carry around? Nope, red bandana on a stick all the way. Woot.

dogs and petrol

Justin Bieber's nostril hair stylist

Today my horoscope said that a friend would set me up with someone I have never met before. Well, this did not happen. BUT, an elderly Indian man totally made eyes at me at Woolworths tonight. The lady at the cash register dropped one of my mandarins and he picked it up and kissed it. Does that mean something? I think this is probably better than being set up with a pretend person I have never met before.
I would like to be set up with an eagle, not like a date, just to hang out. It would be a giant sized eagle, and everyone would stare in admiration as we walked down the street. We would walk in time to the funkiest bass line, that's what we'd do. Then we'd play pinball and drink chandies with drambuie chasers. Yeah. I suppose my only dilemma would be when we high fived. There would be no slap from the flap, would there. Baseball gloves look strange.