On Hold

I recently acquired a smartphone, or should I say that it acquired me since it is so smart. I don’t remember ever purchasing a “dumb” phone beforehand though. But if this current breed of phone is smart, what will the next one be? Talented? Gifted? Ingenious? Then what will that make humans? Dumb and dumber?

Have we really come a long way since talking into tin cans joined by fishing line, smoke signals, or pigeon telegrams? Can’t I just dial my shoe or use a phonebooth as a change room? Do we even need to talk in person anymore or is it cheaper to text? How can I have a normal conversation without anticipating the safety of an oncoming tunnel to cut me off from potential awkwardness? Am I being charged to stream my life as it is happening in real time?

OK, enough questions. I’m starting to hear Carrie Bradshaw’s voice in my head. Meanwhile, I am due for several cosmopolitans. Perhaps I can take my smartphone out on a date. That seems to be the thing people do, you know. I’ve seen them out on romantic dates, deeply engrossed in their smartphones. I’m not sure that Siri is my type. “GIRAFFE! Why don’t you understand what I am saying! GIRAFFE!”

Perhaps individuals are waiting for friends though, pretending to text no one, refreshing their un-newsworthy newsfeeds, tweeting about miniscule utterances and uploading pictures of monotonous coffee froth swirls. I mean, you wouldn’t want to sit alone and acknowledge your surroundings at all. Isn’t there an ‘awareness’ app anyway? Surely by now you can just watch yourself on youtube as your life is happening.

And when people are finally in company the smartphone relationship is not put on hold. The technologically induced autism has somehow become socially acceptable. I have more rewarding conversations with an inflatable pineapple than a smartphone obsessed human. Ah, I heart the inflatable pineapple. BFFs.

A smartphone can connect you to anything, except for you. But you can always use the GPS to find yourself.