Ex Your Size

Everybody’s doing it. Nobody looks particularly happy doing it, but they do it nonetheless. At dawn and dusk the parks fill with military lycra uniforms, two wheeled aliens and over excited hounds. It’s like being on the set of ‘Return to Oz’. WTF, Dorothy? Weirdest sequel ever. That film was incredibly terrifying at the age of 6, and I can draw similarities to how I feel about the traffic at exercise o’clock.

It really is a freak show, and a diverse one at that. Incidentally, I will point out here that I am one of the freaks. If David Attenborough were narrating I would be the giraffe gliding across the plains. Thank goodness for comfortable hooves, I do cover a lot of ground. And then there are the cheetahs; streamlined spandex sprinting after non-existent prey. It’s ok though, they have prime rib in the fridge at home. A herd of gazelles takes up the path. They trot along behind deluxe prams. I’m not sure what they keep in those prams. I’m guessing prawn heads. They have to keep them covered from the sun. Heavy steps pound the pavement behind me. The thudding becomes louder as I am approached from behind. An elephant appears in my peripheral view. It displays the actions which resemble running, but it only seems to progress at a swift walking pace. It’s like they’re jogging on the spot but a rear breeze gives them momentum. Don’t give up, dude! A rhinoceros resembling personal trainer taunts a tiring warthog. It runs endlessly around coloured domes for no reason except than to obey the harsh motivating tone of the rhino. I can’t believe the warthog pays for that.

I glide; it’s more of a bouncing glide than a graceful one. It’s a groove. I do not run unless I am in danger. Giraffes do not have many predators but they are at their most vulnerable when drinking. Remember that next time you see me at the pub.
You’re never gonna look cool exercising, no matter what you do. Models don’t jog down the catwalk now, do they? The attire associated with exercising is endlessly ridiculous and fascinating. Unsuspecting bulges poking out of elastic material, like snakeskin after ingesting a possum. Middle aged men in bike pants, you know where it’s at.
Cyclists’ costumes are by far the most intriguing. Alien street invaders, they go to battle with heads of armor, dark fly eyes and flashing lights. That they could even be bothered to get dressed up and put on the lycra suit must be a work out in itself. Do they realize that they are traveling billboards with these suits on? It’s none of my business to notice the business.
And there are so many labels. Is everyone sponsored by Lorna effing Jane? I wear clothes that resemble my grandfather’s summer pajamas. I am not Lorna Jane. I am a perspiration station with waterhole predators. Best glide home in a hurry.

My best friend recently lost over 40kgs. I’m not sure where. It may be in the lost property at the local gym. I have never been to a gym, they seem quite unnatural to me. I often imagine how the first homo sapiens may have responded to a gym. I mean, would you get on the treadmill after chasing a woolly mammoth all day? And how would they react to weight loss agencies. Would you feel like a Tony Ferguson slim shake a day if you’d only had nuts and berries for the last month? Well, who put the ‘die’ into ‘diet’?
So, I have not lost over 40kgs like my best friend, that is a tremendous body evolution. I originally started walking for mental health reasons, but I have noticed physical differences. I have developed a gigantic right quad muscle without the use of steroids. It seems to have popped up by itself. Although it provides a spectacular contour on my thigh, it is starting to get out of control and I fear that it may take over the universe with special powers. I’m not sure yet, it could also be a dead twin. In fact, I made need to exorcise the result of my exercise.