Fly Me to Vermouth

Each time I fly economy class it seems to get smaller. Perhaps airlines should suck all of the insides out of passengers so there is just enough room for our skin to be strapped into a probably not life saving seatbelt. But that’s ok because we’d just be skin. Minimal impact. No need for the indestructable life jacket and a whistle then. I wear these around all the time anyway, just incase I trip over on the street at 900km per hour. Safety first.

When space is so limited it’s always enjoyable when someone reclines into your face. Planes may be packed with safety items but the seat in front really needs an airbag attached. And this is topped off by the passenger behind you playing an aggressive game of tetris against the back of your head. You’re sitting in an epileptic MRI machine. Even if you’re a people person you will make someone on the flight your enemy. Well, that’s what eco-enemy does. If you’re savvy an exit seat is an excite seat. Legs rejoice! But in the unlikely event of an emergency you need to do that thing you didn’t listen to when the flight attendant briefed you in a half serious, condescending way. Hopefully, not a descending way.

In the name of comfort, airlines provide extra things to unintentionally get in your way. Here’s a pillow and rug you won’t use and also have nowhere to put. And that thing you sat on, that was earphones, as effective as two cotton wool balls on a head band. Perhaps you remembered your technologically fashionable noise canceling headphones though. May I recommend you use them to mute the roar of the flushing airplane toilet. The sound is so frighteningly piercing that you need to use the flight facilities again.

Oddly enough, there are some people who can sleep on planes. Good luck to them, the folded over, open mouthed, snoring passengers who dreamily flop around within their 5cm radius. Well done. In order to fall asleep on a plane I would actually have to be a corpse. Last time I tried particularly hard to enter a slumber. Sleeping pills, neck pillow, blindfold, sounds like a good time if you’re an overworked Hollywood actor.  Of course I looked like a paraplegic ninja turtle but it was worth a try. Nothing. I can turn off all of the electronic devices but not the one in my head. My flight is boreding. I suppose I can always put off the jet lag with jet lager.