Oh My Dog

Dog is the new baby. Evidently, babies have outsourced the amount of obsessive, overprotective, and overbearing caring energy of human parents to dogs. A generation or 2 ago people had babies, looked after them as best they could and whatever happened to them happened. Que sera sera….until we try to control everything. Despite these past babies rolling in dirt, eating small household items and forming BFFs with disease producing micro-organisms across the land, they turned out alright.

For instance, my Dad’s babyhood involved swallowing a safety-pin, havng marsupials tend to his open wounds and my favourite, getting dressed as a drag queen for his christening. Well, not really, the dress had a rather unflattering neckline and the least they could have given was him high heel booties. Anyway, he was fine. He was not molly-coddled, handled only with bacteria-free silk gloves, and basically sheltered from every single living thing.

This is the new new baby. I introduce the new model of infinitely dependent, self indulgent, allergy ridden techno goobs. The future is now.

Meanwhile, the baby of the past has actually been replaced by the family dog. Enter. They roll in dirt, eat small household items and form BFFs with disease producing micro-organisms across the land. Dogs now have a plethora of toys, clothing lines, play pens, potties, perfume (called Oh My Dog), specialized meals, psychologists, insurance, and our lives revolve around their bowel movements which we clean with a sense of duty. We even speak to dogs in baby talk.

My Mum’s spoodle actually has some of my old baby toys. The teddy I used to cuddle to sleep is now eyeless, earless and covered in a cocoon of hound saliva. Mum cuts and combs her goldilocks, brushes her teeth with chicken toothpaste, nurses her in a towel and takes a mountainous day bag of accessories with her everywhere they go. She also sings to her, “Who’s that girl?” which I think was meant to be a Guy Sebastian song. I can’t help but feel jealous of the babyhood I never had. I mean, she didn’t call me ‘Little Miss Delicious’ when I was a young pup.

Dogs are now family members rather than pets. Now that’s evolution. But dogs are still dogs, really. It is we who have elevated their statuses within the pack. Why, we have security alarms now, do we still need them or have we just created another thing to look after and provide for? We bathe them as though they are our young, feed them from our own plates, groom them like well-to-do gorilla families and even embrace them like non-sexual lovers (mostly).

But we humans only give if we receive. Man’s best friend? Well, only for men without vocal chords. And by men, I mean men of both sexes. What we receive from dogs is the present. As all non-human creatures they live in the moment. This allows them to express endless joy at the prospect of a brief walk, the same meal or even chasing something gross over and over again. They love every moment, and that brings us closer to something in ourselves. Perhaps something we are missing. Otherwise, we wouldn’t allow a face lick after our dogs have potentially feasted on their on faeces, mouthed their own genitals, and rubbed their noses in a suburb full of canine urine.

dogs and petrol