Never before has commercial Australian news been so uninformative. In fact, if I didn't watch it at all I would naturally know more. That is actually what have been doing, not watching the news. And it's growing, there are more and more people not watching the news, at the risk of their own increased intelligence. If I was from a third world country and someone forced me to watch a western news bulletin I would think it was some kind of variety show, light untertainment if you will.
My point is simply that the news is not news. Headlining tonight: exercise after eating chocolate, how to eat meat on a budget, which movies are showing, a blind lady taking her kids to school, and my favourite; a man who grew a tomato shaped like a duck. They called it a duck-ato. Oh my dog!
How can news reporters present these 'stories'? I'll tell you how, they're not human, surely not. You never see the back of a news reporter, do you, just the front. That's because their backs are filled with wires, buttons and knobs. Yes, there is a lot of knob involved in these robotic news reading puppets.
Whilst watching the news one cannot tell the difference between commercial breaks and news 'stories'. What's the difference? It's all a sales pitch. They are selling thoughts and people are buying them. They do not know that they are buying them, but the price is high, the price is you. The news is actually the 'no yous'.
Choose Pepsi.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Why is it so hard to say goodbye?
I'm talking about phone conversations, here. For some reason we need to repeat the word, 'goodbye', and say it in at least 17 different ways before we can hang up the phone. And even as we pull the receiver further away from our mouths to hang up we are still saying goodbye. 'Ok, bye then, see you later, have a good one, see you round, let's block the phone lines for no reason, take care, so long.' Actually, no one really says 'so long' anymore. I think it means, 'SO this is a LONG phonecall. Hang up already.'
Interestingly, I find that if I yell goodbye in the voice of an evil Grover, people on the other line are compelled to say goodbye in a similar silly way. Try it sometime.
If I am person to person, I don't say goodbye 17 times as they walk away from me. In fact, I don't even speak, a wave is fine or even, 'Get the &*%$ away from me', and we're done. Nothin' more to see here, people, the show is over.
We also have the lead up to goodbyes. 'Ok, I'd better let you go', a polite way of saying, 'Totally bored right now'. Then there's, 'Well, I'm on the mobile so I'd better go,' a polite way of saying, 'I'm a tight arse and you are boring.' Let's not forget, 'I've just got someone on the other line,' another way of saying, 'I'm trying to get rid of you by pretending to be popular.' I always find that, 'Yikes, dude! My colostomy bag just burst' works. People don't want to keep talking after that, or eating for that matter.
Interestingly, I find that if I yell goodbye in the voice of an evil Grover, people on the other line are compelled to say goodbye in a similar silly way. Try it sometime.
If I am person to person, I don't say goodbye 17 times as they walk away from me. In fact, I don't even speak, a wave is fine or even, 'Get the &*%$ away from me', and we're done. Nothin' more to see here, people, the show is over.
We also have the lead up to goodbyes. 'Ok, I'd better let you go', a polite way of saying, 'Totally bored right now'. Then there's, 'Well, I'm on the mobile so I'd better go,' a polite way of saying, 'I'm a tight arse and you are boring.' Let's not forget, 'I've just got someone on the other line,' another way of saying, 'I'm trying to get rid of you by pretending to be popular.' I always find that, 'Yikes, dude! My colostomy bag just burst' works. People don't want to keep talking after that, or eating for that matter.
Why is it so hard to say Hello?
I am absolutely attrocious at saying Hello. I never really know just what to do, so many options to consider. Usually I start out with, say hi, have minimal eye contact and shuffle around them awkwardly from a 1 metre radius. The next one is the nod and hand shake, which is more of an acknowledgement of presence, but still awkward from my female perspective. I'd feel more comfortable head butting a fish as a term of endearment.
But there is one question that always hinders my approach, 'Do I hug them or do I kiss them?' Let's just say we try to avoid the genitle area. Some people just insist on the hug, even if you don't like them, or haven't even met them. For me, you have to earn the hug. And even after that, how do you hug. Do you give the half-arsed arms out but don't wrap around them hug? Or do you secretly try to squeeze them to death?
And the kiss, do you go for one cheek or two? Do you peck or snog? Probaby peck, but not like a chicken or you will peel their cheeks open.
I don't know. Please give me tips on Hellos that don't involve nose rubbing.
But there is one question that always hinders my approach, 'Do I hug them or do I kiss them?' Let's just say we try to avoid the genitle area. Some people just insist on the hug, even if you don't like them, or haven't even met them. For me, you have to earn the hug. And even after that, how do you hug. Do you give the half-arsed arms out but don't wrap around them hug? Or do you secretly try to squeeze them to death?
And the kiss, do you go for one cheek or two? Do you peck or snog? Probaby peck, but not like a chicken or you will peel their cheeks open.
I don't know. Please give me tips on Hellos that don't involve nose rubbing.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Movies Review
Everything has to be in 3D now. Is that because our lives have become 2D?
Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t want to see in 3D, cinema carpet. RSLs, casinos and cinemas must all purchase their carpet from some exclusive carpet dealership that never left the 80s. It’s like unnecessary magic eye on the ground. Find the juggling elephant. I don’t see it.
The carpet has retained that familiar popcorn stench, accumulated over the years. Who decided that popcorn was food? I often used to wonder who discovered that you could eat eggs, but eggs are things that exist naturally. How lame would it be if I wrote, ‘eggsist naturally’. Ok, the damage is done now.
Anyway, someone invented popcorn. They did not discover it in the wilderness. They invented it, and deemed it food. And people went along with it. No one stood up and protested against popcorn. I assume the inventor was aiming to create something with ridiculous texture and zero flavour. Well done. Really, what must our livers think?
Here comes that polystyrene gravel again.
We need to eat popcorn by the shipping container, ramming overflowing handfuls into our faces. Is there no other way to eat it? Chopsticks? Once every crevasse between your teeth has been filled with yellow flecks, dehydration kicks in. Yes, it is a sense of eternal pastiness. What better way to counteract that than with an enormous cylinder of pretend coke. Well, any liquid would be fine, really. Why not drink a litre of unleaded.
If popcorn does not take your fancy you can always try any of the other overpriced trinkets of “food” wrapped in the ridiculously loud plastic packaging. The persistent crinkling has become part of the movie sound track. In fact, I think I would rather eat the plastic packaging than a choc-top. Surely, they’re made of the same stuff.
Next time I go to the movies I plan to eat from an esky filled with crabs and lobsters. Then I am going to crack walnuts and chomp loudly on celery sticks.
If you are on time for a movie, you probably shouldn’t have been. You have just paid $14 to watch 20 minutes of giant ads. Even the ads have their own ads. Before the movie even begins I think, ‘Thank goodness. I had no idea there were 17 Indian restaurants in this precinct.’
And then there are the previews, which are just ads for movies. When the movie actually starts I am not sure if it is another ad until about halfway through the film.
The problem with seeing a movie is actually the fact that you have to re-enter the real world afterwards. As spectacular viewing as credits make, people must leave the cinema at the end. It’s like watching bats emerge from a cave into the light. And we return to our 2D lives.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Miss Toilet USA
Why do toilets in motels have sashes around them when you check-in? Well, they've just been in the American toilet pageant.
There she is, Miss American Toilet
There she is, your ideal.
The dreams of a million toilets
Who are more than pretty
May come true in Atlantic Shitty
Oh she may turn out to be
The queen of dysentery
There she is, Miss American Toilet
There she is, your ideal
With so much excrement
She'll take the town by storm
With her all-American faeces and form
And there she is
Struggling for air she is
Fairest of the fair she is
Miss American Toilet
There she is, Miss American Toilet
There she is, your ideal.
The dreams of a million toilets
Who are more than pretty
May come true in Atlantic Shitty
Oh she may turn out to be
The queen of dysentery
There she is, Miss American Toilet
There she is, your ideal
With so much excrement
She'll take the town by storm
With her all-American faeces and form
And there she is
Struggling for air she is
Fairest of the fair she is
Miss American Toilet
SCAT TALKING
No
I'm down here.
I find it strange that people can say nonsensical syllables in a song but not in a conversation. Why is it acceptable to sing, 'Scooby do wop wop bwee dah' or 'Sha la la la la la la' or 'a do run run run', but not to speak these words? Ok, yeah, it's not acceptable to sing, 'a do run run run'. Barbara-Anne has alot to answer for. Like, who is called Barbara-Anne anyway?
I lose interest in a lot of conversations and for some reason silence is considered to be rude. Some of my best shared moments with people are silent. Silence is Golden, but rude. So since I find talking to people to be boring and frequently superficial I've decided to improvise with some scat talking. For example when people talk about the weather, "Isn't it hot today?"
And instead of saying, "I know, I'm not a reptile, this topic warrants no discussion what-so-ever." I say, "Shoo be doo wop cha wop", and saunter off.
My most unfavourite question is, "What have you been up to?" And since people have stopped believing me when I say that I've been huntng wabbits, I've decided to say, "Ging gang goolie goolie goolie". I might win the next election with such banter.
I'm down here.
I find it strange that people can say nonsensical syllables in a song but not in a conversation. Why is it acceptable to sing, 'Scooby do wop wop bwee dah' or 'Sha la la la la la la' or 'a do run run run', but not to speak these words? Ok, yeah, it's not acceptable to sing, 'a do run run run'. Barbara-Anne has alot to answer for. Like, who is called Barbara-Anne anyway?
I lose interest in a lot of conversations and for some reason silence is considered to be rude. Some of my best shared moments with people are silent. Silence is Golden, but rude. So since I find talking to people to be boring and frequently superficial I've decided to improvise with some scat talking. For example when people talk about the weather, "Isn't it hot today?"
And instead of saying, "I know, I'm not a reptile, this topic warrants no discussion what-so-ever." I say, "Shoo be doo wop cha wop", and saunter off.
My most unfavourite question is, "What have you been up to?" And since people have stopped believing me when I say that I've been huntng wabbits, I've decided to say, "Ging gang goolie goolie goolie". I might win the next election with such banter.
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