S'tax On

They say there are two things you can’t avoid in life, death and taxes. Of course I tried to challenge this by earning so little that I didn’t have to pay tax, but then I died of embarrassment. Touche, World. Actually, that’s not true. One year, I pretended tax was short for taxidermy so I sent the ATO a plethora of stuffed rodents doing the finger. Another year, I sent soiled baby car seats instead of receipts, and I have also sent my accountant 356 ants.

As a reluctant sadministrator of my own affairs, I recently found myself negotiating with Phoebe from the ATO. For most of the conversation she sounded like airplane engine noise. After phoning to let her know I couldn’t afford my tax bill, she then informed me that I actually had another outstanding tax bill. Wonderful, Phoebe. Let’s go and get an omlette! Despite alerting Phoebe to the fact that I had no money she proceeded to ask me if I could now afford both bills, as though there was a remote chance I had suddenly won on the greyhounds during the precious moments of our riveting phone engagement.

Whilst helpful, I’m not sure I had Phoebe’s full attention as she kept repeating, ‘Thanks for holding’. I was beginning to think she was instructing a yoga class on the side. Work it, Phoebe.

Someone invented ‘Pay as you go’, a system only appropriate for sole business operators who earn the exact same amount of money each year. Yes. Why would I want to pay as I go? That is not what Monopoly is all about. You are paid as you pass GO. $200, I believe. You don’t OWE money on something that isn’t actually due in the name of having credit when it is due. I think someone’s getting a little greedy, ATO. Perhaps you should go on hold until the end of the financial year when it is your turn. I do not tell people they OWE me birthday presents four months out from the date so it is more CONVENIENT for them around the time of my birthday. ‘’Yes, you would be in credit on March 3 and I could carry it over to Christmas if you buy me something in October.’’

So then Phoebe said that if I didn’t earn as much as I did last year I could fill out form T8, C5 or F7. Whatever, suddenly we were playing Battleships. Hit and sunk, ATO.

I wanted to play Monopoly.