speak easy - part 1

say my name say my name

I think Prince had the right idea, changing his name to a symbol. I'd like my name to be a chord. Bbsus13 is a fave of mine. Full of texture, yet unresolved. What's a name? My name is actually incredibly easy to pronounce and to spell but for some reason it is coated in this awkward layer of difficulty. Introducing myself becomes a ridiculous game of unnecessary charades. 2 syllables, sounds like, what the hell is wrong with you? It's like teaching a dog the alphabet. Pe-ta. I'll even move your lips, your entire jaw, while you just focus on pushing the tones out. that's all you have to do.

Once I have delivered my name it seems to go through some kind of invisible sound filter to come out as Tina, Keita, Nina, Pippa or Slobodan Milosevic. I'm cool with the last one. So then I have to spell it but that seems to translate as 'Pet' with an 'a' attached. By now, if I still happen to give a shit, if I have already determined whether or not this person will feature highly in my life movie, I start charades. Ok, so it's like that bread, pita bread, which is far less popular than it was in the 80s and has now been replaced by the wrap. So it's also like the organisation, PETA, which people also seem ignorant to.

If the recipient ever finally repeats the correct name back to me a number of responses are likely to follow. First of all, no, I am not a boy, which I thought was quite evident from my enormous jugs and child bearing hips. I'm even wearing a corset to emphasise the fact. Yes, I am aware that it is a boys' name, though I am delighted to be reminded constantly.
Others enquire where the name comes from, as though I christened myself with it after returning from the Planet, Foodakaka Zion. Sure.
Occasionally people tell me that they know another person called Peta, quietly letting me know that I'm not the only one, all the while wondering about the magical 'Peta' club we're all part of. Incidentally we all meet weekly for 10 seconds to head butt lily pads.

Perhaps the problem is me. Of course, it usually is. This morning I introduced myself to Mike. Easy. I had to spell my name, the usual. He looked at me blankly before eventually saying, 'Is that right, my cousin is called Peta'. I must really just slur the shit out of my name or something. In fact, right now, when this barman asked me what I do for work, he thought I said, 'magician' instead of 'musician'.  Yes, I pulled a rabbit out of a hat and it punched him in the face. So it is me, after all.

You see, the problem is that none of the people in my life movie actually call me Peta. And if they do, either the 't' is a lazy 'd', or I'm pretty sure I'm in trouble. I am more commonly Pete, Petey, Pedi, P. Diddy, or P. Dizzle, for unknown reasons. You may be able to see why I wanted to change my name to, 'The', it's a frequently used word. I've never been a label, why should I be a name? But everything has a name, some kind of humanly recognisable yet restricting identity.

Hello, I'm Tina, the magician!